When life is good and the anxiety comes anyway

You can be driving along with the music on, feeling content with not a care in the world. Life is good, and you’re happy. Nothing is wrong.

And then it hits you. 

Rising up from your stomach. A knot. A tightness in your chest. Then the tears you didn’t see coming are rolling down your cheeks, with no way of stopping them.

It makes no logical sense, and that’s what makes it so disorienting. You’re not an anxious person. You’re not falling apart. But in a few seconds you’re grieving time that hasn’t even gone yet, with the feeling that it’s all moving too fast and that you’d give anything to do some of it again.

If that’s you, I want you to hear this. It’s not that you can’t cope. 

The women I work with are some of the most capable people I know. You might run the company, or the team, or both. Everybody says, I don’t know how you do it. And the truth is, neither do you. You do it because you have to; you've been doing it so long now anyway, and you’re very good at it. You keep it all together, and most of the time you do.

But you’re in midlife now, and life is happening to you. Things are shifting that are outside your control. You may be on HRT and understand exactly what’s going on in your body. But understanding it doesn’t stop a fear from erupting. Wounds you thought had healed can be ripped open, or start weeping again. Sores can appear in places you’ve never had them before.

Working through this takes a therapeutic lens, not a lecture on hormones. Your doctor is the right person to tell you what’s happening biologically and to treat it. This is something different. It takes someone who will sit with you in the most intimate, private parts of what you’re feeling, without pathologising any of it.

Because this isn’t a mindset problem to be positive-thought away. Some of what you’re carrying is real, and it matters to you. It deserves respect, not a quick fix.

The emotions you feel that have bubbled up and over from seemingly out of nowhere should be validated and seen, not pushed away and hidden. 

You don’t need someone to say don’t be so silly. You don’t need a plaster put over it, or to be steered straight back to “let’s think about everything you’ve got now.” You need someone who will stay in it with you for as long as you need to be there, and help you move when you’re ready, not before.

And it’s so private, isn’t it? This experience. It’s the kind of feeling that’s hard to explain even to the people closest to you, because on paper it doesn’t make sense. So it's understandable in many ways why you might choose to carry it alone, quietly, on top of everything else you're dealing with.

We’re not robots. We’re human beings having real human experiences, and emotions can turn everything upside down. Midlife transitions can be bittersweet and painful. They can leave a void before you’ve even reached them. You don’t need a diagnosis of depression, and you don’t need to want medication, for that to be real.

What changes things is the relationship. When someone is truly with you, you can go down deep into the hard stuff instead of dragging it around or suppressing it on your own. It stops being a lead weight around your ankles. You’re not going to drown in it. You’ll be in it, and someone will help you swim through, until eventually you come up the other side.

If this is you, nothing is wrong with you. You’re a capable woman feeling a life move forward. And you don’t have to feel it alone.

If this sounds like something you’re living with, and you’d like a space to talk it through, I offer confidential support for women navigating exactly this. You’re very welcome to get in touch and see if we’d be a good fit. No pressure, no obligation.

And if things ever feel too heavy, please speak to your GP, or call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time.